How to Tell Your Children About Divorce

The decision to divorce is never easy, and when children are involved, the emotional stakes feel even higher. Here are five tips to help tell your children about divorce with compassion, honesty, and a focus on your children’s well-being:

 

1. A United Front: When Possible, Tell Your Children Together

 

If feasible and tensions are manageable, it’s ideal for you and your spouse to tell your children about the divorce as a team. This sends a powerful message of unity: while your marriage is ending, your commitment to being loving parents remains strong.

 

Plan What You’ll Say: Agree in advance on a simple, age-appropriate explanation. Focus on the fact that you both love your children, but will be living in separate homes to be happier.

Choose Your Words Carefully: Avoid blaming each other or sharing reasons for the divorce a young child won’t understand.

 

2. Choose the Right Time and Place To Tell Your Children About Divorce

 

Minimize Distractions: Pick a quiet time when neither you nor your children are rushing off to other activities or preoccupied. Turn off phones and eliminate background noise as best as possible.

A Familiar Setting: Your home offers a sense of security. If co-presenting with your spouse feels too difficult, a neutral but calm setting like a quiet park can work.

 

3. Keep It Age-Appropriate When you Tell Your Children About Divorce

 

Tailor your explanation to fit your child’s developmental stage:

 

• Young Children (under 5): Keep it simple. “Mommy and Daddy won’t be living together anymore, but we both love you very much. Sometimes grown-ups need their own space to be happier.”

 

• School-Age (6-11): Offer slightly more detail. “We’ve tried hard to work things out, but sometimes, grown-ups grow apart. We’ll each have our own homes, and you’ll spend time with both of us.”

 

• Teenagers: Teenagers may understand more complexity. You can be slightly more direct about the challenges in your marriage while always emphasizing that the divorce isn’t their fault.

 

4. Reassurance is Key

 

Children, especially young ones, often worry that if their parents can stop loving each other, they might stop loving them too. Make these points crystal clear:

 

• Unconditional Love: “This doesn’t change how much we love you. You are the most important thing to us, always.”

 

• Not Their Fault: “Sometimes grown-ups have problems they can’t fix. This has nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong.”

 

• Practical Realities: “There will be some changes. You’ll have time with me in my new house, and time with Daddy in his new house.” (If possible, outline the basic plan).

 

5. Expect Questions and Be Prepared for Emotions

 

Even the most meticulously planned conversation can spark unexpected reactions when you tell your children about divorce.

 

Questions: Be ready to answer practical questions about where they’ll live, if they’ll need to change schools, etc. For emotionally charged questions you can’t immediately answer, acknowledge their feelings: “I understand it feels scary not knowing where you’ll be on holidays, we’ll figure that out together.”

Emotions: Children may express sadness, anger, shock, or even try to hide their feelings. Validate whatever surfaces: “It’s okay to feel sad/angry/confused. We’re here for you.”

Additional Resources and Support

 

Children’s Books: Age-specific books about divorce can help kids understand they’re not alone. Look for reputable resources or ask a librarian for recommendations.

Therapy: If your child struggles to cope with the news, consider child-focused therapy to provide them with emotional tools and a safe outlet.

Your Own Support: Talking to a therapist, trusted friend, or a support group can be incredibly helpful as you navigate your own emotions throughout this process.

Remember: There’s no perfect way to tell your children about divorce. It will be hard. Focus on honesty, love, and reassuring your children that while the family structure is changing, their parents’ love for them endures.

 

As you are working through the difficult conversation to tell your children, or if you already have, I am here to help with the legal aspects of your uncontested, simple or amicable divorce. Contact my office or call me to set up a consultation to see if I can help you.

 

Please note: This content is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal or financial advice. Consult with a professional for personalized guidance.