How to tell your child or children you are getting divorced

January 11, 2022

Divorce is tough on everyone, especially children. As a parent in Illinois facing this difficult process, you want to prioritize your children’s well-being, but figuring out how to break the news can be overwhelming. Psychology Today has a pretty good article that gives good guidance. I wanted to expand on some of their ideas.

Here’s a guide to navigating this conversation with compassion and care, along with some important things to avoid:

How to Tell your Child about your Divorce

 

  • Be Honest, But Age-Appropriate: Level with your children, but tailor the information to their age and understanding. Younger children need simple explanations, while older ones can handle more details.
  • Create a United Front: Whenever possible, have both parents present for the conversation. A unified message reassures children that they’re loved by both parents, even if the family structure is changing.
  • Prepare a Simple Explanation: Craft a clear, concise reason for the divorce. Avoid blame and focus on the idea that you and your spouse are no longer compatible as partners, but you both still love your children deeply.
  • Allow for Questions and Emotions: Let your children express their feelings—sadness, anger, confusion—it’s all valid. Listen actively, offer reassurance, and remind them that their feelings matter.
  • Consider Professional Support: If you’re struggling with this conversation or your children are having a hard time coping, seek guidance from a therapist or counselor. They can provide tools and strategies for navigating this difficult transition.
  • Choose a Place Where Your Child Feels Secure. Children will accept the news better if they are surrounded by an environment where they feel safe, loved and secure. This also allows them to process better and potentially explore their own feelings better.

How to Not Tell your Child About your Divorce

  • Don’t Blame Each Other: Avoid pointing fingers or assigning blame to either parent. This can make children feel caught in the middle and create unnecessary stress.
  • Don’t Overshare: Keep adult details about the reasons for the divorce private. Children don’t need to know about infidelity, financial problems, or other sensitive issues.
  • Don’t Make Promises You Can’t Keep: Be realistic about what the future holds. Don’t make promises about things like getting back together or maintaining the exact same holiday traditions.
  • Don’t Have the Conversation in a High-Stress Environment: Choose a calm, quiet setting where your children feel safe and comfortable to express their emotions. Avoid having the conversation in public places or during major events like holidays or birthdays. I have heard of parents breaking the news at Disney — which seems unnecessarily cruel.

Common Reactions and How to Handle Them:

Be prepared for a range of reactions from your children:

  • Clinginess: Offer extra love and reassurance, but also encourage independence.
  • Trying to Reconcile You: Gently remind them that the decision is final, but you both still love them.
  • Acting Out: Maintain consistent rules and consequences, and communicate with your co-parent to ensure a united front.

Moving Forward Together

Remember, many families successfully navigate divorce. With open communication, support, and a focus on your children’s well-being, you can help them adjust to this new chapter in their lives.

Need Guidance on Your Divorce Journey?

If you’re ready to move forward with your divorce in Illinois and are seeking an amicable resolution, I can help. Call my office at 618-726-2671 or reach out through my website for a free consultation. My goal is to guide you through the process with compassion and expertise.

Disclaimer: The information in this blog post is not intended as a substitute for professional legal or medical advice. Please consult with an attorney or mental health professional to discuss your specific situation and options.