It’s Okay Not to Be Okay

The end of a marriage is a life-altering event. Yet, in our culture, there’s a quiet pressure to handle it with stoicism—to be strong, move on quickly, and present a facade of being “fine.” This societal expectation can feel particularly heavy for those going through a divorce, adding another layer of stress to an already emotional journey. But the truth is, it’s perfectly normal, and even healthy, to not be okay. Embracing the messy, uncomfortable, and sometimes difficult reality of your emotions is not a sign of weakness; it is a fundamental part of the healing process.

The Pressure to Be “Fine”

We often feel compelled to tell friends, family, and colleagues that we are “fine” or “doing great” after a breakup. This response is often a defense mechanism, a way to protect ourselves from pity or unwanted questions. It’s also a way to convince ourselves that we are strong and have everything under control. However, this facade often hides a turbulent inner world. Beneath the calm exterior lies a storm of feelings: anger, sadness, fear, grief, and confusion.

Think of emotional healing like healing from a physical injury. You would never expect a broken bone to heal overnight. You would allow for pain, swelling, and a slow, deliberate recovery process. Emotional healing follows a similar path. It has its own timeline and requires patience, care, and the permission to feel the pain. Suppressing these feelings is like putting a bandage on a broken bone without setting it—it may look okay on the surface, but the underlying damage remains, and a full recovery is impossible.

The Power in Acknowledging Your Feelings

Allowing yourself to be “not okay” is a powerful act of self-compassion. It signals that you are willing to engage with your emotions instead of running from them. This engagement is a sign of immense strength and is how true healing begins.

Grief is a Process: Divorce is a significant loss—the loss of a partner, a lifestyle, a family unit, and a vision of the future. The grief you feel is valid. It’s not a sign of weakness but a natural response to a profound change. Acknowledging this grief is the first step toward processing it.

Anger is an Emotion, Not an Action: You may feel immense anger at your ex-spouse or at the situation itself. It’s important to recognize that anger is a normal part of the process. While you cannot let it dictate your actions, particularly during legal proceedings, you can find healthy outlets for it, such as exercise, journaling, or talking to a trusted friend or therapist.

Fear is a Guide: The fear of the unknown—of being alone, of financial instability, of starting over—is real. Instead of letting fear paralyze you, acknowledge it. This fear can guide you to take proactive steps, like creating a new budget or seeking a new hobby.

Accepting the Messiness: Healing from a divorce is not a linear process. You will have good days and bad days. You might feel fine one moment and overwhelmed the next. Accepting this ebb and flow allows you to ride the waves of emotion without judging yourself for not being perfectly “fixed” yet. In other words, embrace the ish.

How Emotional Honesty Connects to Your Divorce

There is a common misconception that being emotional makes you a poor candidate for an amicable divorce. In reality, the opposite is often true. When you address and process your emotions rather than suppressing them, you are better equipped to make rational and effective decisions during the legal process.

An individual who is consumed by unaddressed anger or fear may be more prone to a reactive, adversarial approach to divorce. This can lead to costly and time-consuming litigation, where you lose control over the outcome.

In contrast, when you give yourself permission to feel your emotions and work through them, you are better prepared for the collaborative nature of an uncontested or mediated divorce. You can approach negotiations from a place of clarity, focusing on what is best for your long-term future and the well-being of your family, rather than being driven by short-term emotional reactions.

Finding Your Path Forward in the Metro East

You don’t have to pretend you are okay when you are not. It’s a simple yet powerful truth that can transform your experience of divorce. Give yourself permission to feel, to grieve, to be angry, and to be uncertain. Find support in a professional or a personal network that validates your feelings.

If you are navigating a divorce in the Metro East (St. Clair County, Madison County, and surrounding areas) and want to find a path that honors your emotional journey while guiding you toward a peaceful resolution, please reach out to my office. We can discuss your situation and explore how an uncontested or collaborative approach can help you move forward.

Disclaimer: This blog post is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. It is vital to consult with an attorney to discuss your specific situation and legal options.