When Keeping a Child from the Other Parent Backfires

Divorce and parenting changes stir up strong emotions. You might feel angry, hurt, or protective. Sometimes you may even feel convinced that keeping your child close and away from the other parent is the safest or most loving choice. But one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned in more than 20 years of family law work is that keeping a child from their other parent almost always hurts the child most of all. It also hurts the parent who does it.  A recent Illinois appellate case, In re Marriage of Tiffany A. (2025 IL App (5th) 250409-U), is a powerful example of how this can go wrong and how keeping a child from the other parent backfired for them,

 

The Case: When Conflict Takes Over And Eventually Backfires

 

In Tiffany A., the parents had two young boys. The mother traveled from Louisiana to Illinois, hiding her intention to remain in Illinois permanently. She filed for divorce after she for to Illinois. The father still lived in Louisiana. Eventually, the mother began limiting the father’s contact with the children. She didn’t tell him what school they attended, blocked his phone access, and even withheld parenting time. In response, the father moved to Illinois and spent considerable time and energy finding out basic information about his children.

 

She said she was acting out of concern, but the court saw something else. The judge found that she had interfered with the father’s parenting time and failed to share information about school and counseling. The court ruled that this behavior was not in the children’s best interests. While not expressed, if it had been limited to the one incident around the investigation by DCFS into a relative the court would not have held the same view, especially if the mother had allowed calls or video visits during that time.

 

In the end, the father was awarded the majority of parenting time and joint decision-making for both parents. The appellate court upheld that decision, agreeing that the mother’s unwillingness to foster a relationship between the boys and their father played a major role in that decision.

 

Withholding a Child Will Backfire: The Emotional Cost to Children

 

Illinois law is clear: the best interests of the child are the “guiding star” in every parenting case. Courts look closely at each parent’s willingness to encourage a relationship with the other parent.

 

When one parent blocks communication or uses the child to express anger, the child ends up carrying the weight of that conflict. In Tiffany A., the court noted that one child became physically sick after leaving his father’s house. The child then often missed school the following day. This was clear evidence of the child’s emotional distress and worry that he might not see his father again until his mother decided he could. The mother also seemed obsessed with the father, arranging to meet up with his former girlfriends to get dirt and refusing to give the GAL information about why she was a good parent. Instead, the mother’s focus became her anger — and how she could destroy the father. It was not focused on the job o being a good mother and supporting her children.

 

This trickled down to the children, and they had to manage adult emotions and an adult world. Children shouldn’t have to manage adult emotions. When they feel caught in the middle, they may act out, withdraw, or feel guilty about loving both parents. What starts as “protecting” a child often turns into teaching them to take sides and no one wins that way.

 

The Financial and Emotional Toll on Parents

 

Cases like this don’t just take a toll on children. They drain parents emotionally, financially, and spiritually.

 

Based on my experience and what’s reflected in this case, it would not surprise me if each parent spent between $40,000 and $100,000 in litigation and attorney fees by the end. That’s the reality of a contested parenting battle: months or years of filings, hearings, GAL investigations, and appeals.

 

And after all that, both parents often walk away resentful, exhausted, and poorer, both financially and emotionally. The relationship between them is shattered, and their children feel the cracks for years. It even spills into their adult relationships where the fear getting close with a partner and never fully commit to a relationship. In other words, the battles of their youth form scars that linger for years and harm them from experiencing one of life’s greatest joys: a healthy adult partnership with another. Worse, they can repeat the cycle and do this to their own children.

 

The Opposite of What I Do Now

 

Early in my career, I handled these kinds of high-conflict cases. I saw firsthand how easily love turned into a long war fought through lawyers and court orders. Even when one parent “won,” nobody really did. The children didn’t. The parents didn’t. I didn’t either — even when charging attorney fees to reflect my work of dealing with constant crisis.

 

That’s why I built Flat Fee Divorce Solutions: to give families a cost-effective alternative. I focus on uncontested and negotiated divorces, where people still talk to each other, where the goal is cooperation instead of destruction.

 

Instead of watching families spend years and tens of thousands of dollars fighting, I help my clients spend time building a workable plan for their future that reflects where they can be. The peace of mind that comes from resolving things respectfully is worth more than any courtroom victory.

 

How to Avoid Becoming a “Tiffany A.” Case

 

If you’re struggling with trust, communication, or resentment, here’s where to start:

• Separate your hurt from your child’s needs. Even if you don’t like your ex, your child still needs them. Even if you would rather your ex falls into a deep, dark hole to never emerge again, your ex is your ex – he or she is not your child’s ex parent.
• Stay neutral in front of your kids. Never make them feel like loving the other parent is a betrayal. The old adage of if you do not have anything nice to say, say nothing at all is appropriate. If you need a place to vent your anger and hurt, find a therapist you can see and let it out there.
• Keep communication short and respectful. There are many tools and techniques you can use to help. This could include scheduling when you communicate, learning to be a grey rock, using tools such as email to communicate, or choosing to focus your communications through a channel like ourfamilywizard.
• Don’t let anger write your parenting plan. The court notices which parent cooperates—and which one doesn’t. So do your children. Children that are free to love both parents and encouraged to do so do not exhibit signs of emotional distress, such as throwing up when leaving a parent’s home at the end of parenting time.
• Ask for help early. Mediation or cooperative divorce can save you money, time, and emotional damage.
• Get into therapy. Having a counselor help you sort through these emotions is invaluable — and no, its not going to be the concern of the court. The father i Tiffany A. had PTSD and sought help, and was seen as a positive

 

When parents keep their children connected to both sides of their family, the children grow up stronger and more secure. When parents use children as leverage, everyone loses something important.

 

A Final Thought

 

The Tiffany A. case is exactly the kind of situation I now help clients avoid. It’s a case about control, resentment, and fear as well as about how those emotions can overwhelm what’s best for children. If you take one lesson from it, let it be this: cooperation isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom. It’s the choice to protect your child’s stability instead of your ego.

 

If you and your co-parent are ready to move forward, without another year (or 3) in court or another $50,000 in legal bills, I might be able to help. I help clients across Madison, St. Clair, Monroe, Washington, Clinton, Macoupin, and Jersey Counties as well as the many counties in the southern part of the state. I focus exclusively on uncontested and negotiated divorces. My passion is driven from my past and I love helping people resolve their cases faster, with less stress, and for a flat fee.

 

If you’re ready to take the next step toward stability, I offer a free phone consultation to discuss your options and how you can avoid the financial and emotional wreckage of cases like Tiffany A.

 

Disclaimer: nothing in this post is legal advice; if you need legal advice you need to hire an attorney. My office does NOT take contested parenting cases.